Tall Tales Horoscopes

Which wildly improbable story do the stars predict for you? Your destiny awaits…

Aries

Oversleeping your alarm yet again will turn out to be the least of your worries when you wake up late one Monday morning. 

Much more concerning will be the fact that you wake up not in your own bed, but nestled on a silky piece of fabric – covering a base of wood. In fact, you will find heavy wooden panels within reach of each of your hands, and more just inches from your face. The words “coffin” and “buried alive” will immediately come to mind. 

You may then have cause to wonder: if you aren’t actually dead, why isn’t your heart beating?

Taurus

Your plans for an epic breakfast omelette will be slightly sidetracked by the discovery that your carton of eggs contains one that is a little different to the others. Bright red in colour, and rather warm to the touch, you will be unable to shake the feeling that it is somehow…alive.

Going by instinct, you will place the egg under a warm lamp for several weeks, checking on it daily and giving it the occasional parental pat. 

Don’t be too alarmed by what ends up hatching out – especially when it starts to call you “mummy”. After all, not all pets are cute…

Gemini

You’ve always thought you’d quite like to be famous, but when it happens, it won’t quite be in the way you expect. Sure, your life will totally change overnight – people will suddenly recognise you in the street and ask you for your autograph, and all kinds of brands will be offering you free things to promote. 

The problem is, you won’t immediately know WHY you are famous – until you see the video that went viral in an unprecedented way. You’ll recognise yourself immediately – but you will have absolutely no memory of filming it.

Cancer

Some light government file hacking was always a casual, innocuous hobby for you – but you will accidentally go a little too far one day. Instead of learning about a minor politician’s search history, you will stumble across the greatest cover-up of all time – and aliens are just the tip of the iceberg.

When the men in black suits and dark sunglasses come knocking on your door, just go with them – it will be the beginning of a career path you never could have imagined existed.

Leo

You’ve always had more than your fair share of luck, so when you open a chocolate bar and find a golden ticket inside, you won’t be terribly surprised.

What WILL surprise you is the prize the ticket entitles you to – you might have expected a tour of a mysterious, almost magical chocolate factory, but did you think it would be on another planet?

Virgo

You’ve always been a fan of comic book superheroes, so when you wake up and find that you yourself have developed a superpower, you’ll be super excited to embark on your new career as a hero, saving the world on a weekly basis.

It turns out, however, that most superpowers are actually kind of useless – and yours will be no different. After all, being able to detach your arms when you sleep might be super comfortable, but how is it supposed to actually save the world?

Libra

You wouldn’t usually agree to take cute couple photos on a first date, but things will be going so well that when your date suggests you go into a photo booth together, you’ll quite happily say yes.

The weird thing will be that your date takes one look at the prints, stuffs them in their pocket and refuses to let you see them, muttering something about them “not coming out that great” and suggesting you go for ice cream. When they take out their wallet to pay for the desserts, one of the photo strips will fall out of their pocket onto the floor. You will see why they tried to keep you from seeing the prints – because while you yourself can be seen normally, smiling into the camera, your date won’t appear in them at all.

Scorpio

Your body will feel somewhat different when you wake up one morning. Much more…carapace-y than usual. And you will seem to have several more legs than you remember, and – is that a stinger?

Well, Scorpio, what did you expect? Your true nature is right there in the name.

Sagittarius

Scuba diving will become a huge new thing to you – and in your usual extremist fashion, you will push the boundaries of the sport further and further, diving in increasingly deep, dangerous and remote places to see what you can find.

What you WILL find is what, at first glance, seems to be the ruins of a lost underwater city. The more you explore, however, the less it will seem like ruins, and more like an intact civilisation. 

This will, in fact, turn out to be quite an accurate observation. But don’t worry, the inhabitants are friendly…mostly.

Capricorn

When your long-lost cousin contacts you on Facebook and invites you to meet for coffee, you should definitely say yes. But don’t be too alarmed by their appearance – as they will explain, the “change” happens to everyone in your family, at a certain age. In fact, at the age you will turn on your very next birthday…

Aquarius

It’s not unusual for your dog to dig up odd things in your backyard and bring them to you proudly, like a prize – but one day they will bring you something quite unlike anything you have seen before.

It will be metallic, but with a shine and texture unlike any other metal you have come across. It will be shaped like a box, with no opening you can find, but it will rattle as though something is inside.

But that won’t be the strangest part – on the bottom of the box will be some engraved text. And it will read “Manufactured 22 March, 2134”.

Pisces

You usually ignore random emails and calls from job recruiters – after all, they are very rarely legit. 

Don’t ignore the next one, Pisces, because the fate of the world depends on it. The job you will be offered will be one you are uniquely qualified for – in fact, no one else on the planet, other than you, could do it. 

Wait, did we say “no one else on the planet”? What we meant is “no one else in the universe”.